Dealing with Demons
People tend to see you how you want to be seen. Through filters. Forced smiles. Embellished stories. Blatant lies. How many of us walk around every day nervous about people’s opinion of us? I know I sure used to. It used to affect me so much that I was afraid to get out of bed in the morning. Now all anyone ever sees are my successes, because that’s exactly what I want them to see. Those successes are not what this post is about.
When I was fourteen and a freshman in highschool I was bullied constantly. I got pushed, both physically and mentally, to the side. Freak. Nerd. Band Fag. Pizza Face. Those are just a few of the terms I dealt with on a daily basis. They’re all I saw. All I heard. Nowadays people only see the blessings I have received. So they are missing a crucial piece. I, however, am still trying to battle those demons formed at that stage in my life on a daily basis. Every time someone says “You’re Insane” or “You need to stop working so hard” I hear echoes of my past bouncing off the walls of my brain. I try to give off a hardened appearance, but the majority of the time my brain reels around what they possibly could have meant by saying that. Do they really think I’m crazy? Are they just jealous or am I offending them?
I learned to hate people. Not for who they were, but for who they had the potential of becoming. I hardened myself to people’s words, but in doing so also hardened myself in other areas of life unintentionally. I learned to hurt other people before they could hurt me. That way I could watch them suffer and walk away guilt free. Or so I thought. To this day, guilt and regret are probably the two biggest demons I battle on a daily basis.
I never could have imagined how many different ways those demons would infect my life. My feeble attempts at opening up to people were demolished. My ability to form deep meaningful friendships, had become superficial at best. Failed relationship after failed relationship plagued my brain all the way through high school and is still a daily battle for me even now. The years that I shut out my family, friends, and especially my younger brother and sister still keep me up at night. I regret wholeheartedly those actions every day, and to them… I would like to apologize. Yes. I just said I regret those actions; however, not in the sense that I regret that stage of my life. Without that stage, I would have never become the person that I am today. The thing I REGRET, is having to put the OTHER people through MY negativity. The saddest part about my “difficulties” growing up, and now, is I never had, and don't have a finger to point. . .
That all being said. Where do I go from here? Scratch that. Where do we go from there? Let’s face it, if you read all that and couldn’t relate to having a personal demon that you battle. . . Either you’re lying to yourself, or the demon has so much control that you don’t even realize that it’s there anymore. Bring the demons to light. Don’t be afraid to admit them to people. Don’t be afraid to take of the Instagram filters and let people know that your life isn’t all sunshine and freakin rainbows. That’s what makes us powerful. Without our struggles, we would never learn. I would not have the passion for people that I have today, had I not experienced the things I did growing up.
I may still be fighting my demons on the daily.
The only difference is.
Now I’m winning.