Choices. Life is an every day, every moment choice. I made one of mine in the fall of 1992. It had a ripple effect that has now been alive for almost 25 years. I wouldn’t change the choice because of the absolute treasure that I received. However, my decision effected the course of multiple lives, one undulation at a time.
It was my greatest joy and hardest responsibility to have a little miracle that relied on me for everything. I didn’t get the luxury of making other choices. Jake was my priority, period. This was a choice that I made. I would love to sit here and write that I made all the right decisions: the perfect Mom. But I am only me, good and bad. I was blessed to have a family that showed unconditional love to both Jake and myself. My parents, grand-parents, brother, and others stood by us. Helping us stand on our feet even when I should have been kneeling from the strain.
There were times when we didn’t have a phone because I couldn’t afford the bill. Jake was a latch-key kid when he was 7 because I couldn’t afford daycare. Baseball or Football equipment? I tried, but Thank God for other’s generosity. We had to hang our wet laundry throughout our apartment when the dryer broke down. No money to buy a new one or go to the laundromat. Me working late hours and on the weekends, Jake playing under my desk. I will forever be thankful for the many friends who helped us. Richie and Kathy for showing true compassion and a wonderful Christian example. Caren for driving me to Columbus to pick up a dryer. Countless of others who were true blessings.
But even during those times (and many others), Jake and I laughed. We took the trials of life by storm, together. We were a team taking on the world. I wish I could have had Jake at a more stable time, but then neither one of us would be who we are today. I felt over-whelmed on occasion, but there wasn’t time to feel sorry. I was taught by my parents to push through trials. Absolutely, Never Quit. Hit a wall? Go through it. But most of all, God showed me that He is my “Refuge and Strength” Psalm 46:1, ESV. I learned how to forgive myself for my endless short-comings. I finally believed I was a child of the Most-High God. I said earlier that I am only me. But I am more than that. I am Jake’s Mom, Chris’s wife, Alicia and CJ’s Step-Mom, my parent’s daughter, and so much more.
But most of all, I am a Daughter of The King.
Jake and I have a bond that is beyond special or earthly really. I am proud to say he is one of my best friends. I have a small slice; a slight view of what God’s love feels and looks like. I can’t say that we would be this close if we didn’t pinch, scrape, fight, laugh, enjoy, and hold on to all we did. I have started to think about what I want others to remember about me when I am gone. Life is so short, just a blink. How did I bring God glory through my life? How did I show love? My life goal is to be a Proverbs 31 woman: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not hard, all the days of her life… She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy… Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come…Her children rise-up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” Proverbs 31: 10-12, 20, 25, and 28, ESV.
There are three sentences (well more really, but) that I hope to hear when I enter the gates of heaven: “Well done, good and faithful servant. Your Dad is here to show you around. Welcome Home.”